Randomosity

It's 4:24pm and I have one day under my belt of being a big baby being sick. I don't like to be sick. Of course, on my busiest of days, I long to have *nothing* to do but drown myself in a great book. But tell me that's what I HAVE to do...suddenly I want to jump off the pier and swim to Wisconsin, learn how to snowboard down a sand dune, anything but doing nothing and waiting for my immune system to do what it does best.

Don't know what form of the flu I have...

SOAP BOX ALERT! SOAP BOX ALERT!

I interrupt this musing to clunk up on my soapbox. When I say "the flu," I mean seasonal inFLUenza. As in, fever, body aches, headache, general grossness. "The flu" is NOT typically characterized by throwing up and poop soup. Sometimes symptoms of a more projectile nature are thrown in the mix, but typically throwing up and poop soup in and of themselves are evidences of a gastrointestinal upset, NOT the flu virus. It just drives me barking nuts when people equate this with influenza, because they are totally different. Sorry to be kind of fussy about it. It kind of falls under the category of people thinking that newborn babies whose hands are clenched in a fist are "gonna be greedy." No, that's a neurologically appropriate thing for a baby to do, not an evidence of a character flaw. Seriously.

Wow. No idea where THAT soap box came from!! Sorry 'bout that.

Anyway, it's been a while since I last posted, and I have a few random thoughts in my head. Sorry if they're boring!

#1. Do you ever wonder what Heaven will actually be like?

Cuz I do. Like, will there be amazing musicians everywhere? Symphonies, praise bands, hymns, voices? You know how when you're at church and the next song comes up on the screen and you're like, "YES!! I LOVE this song!"? Will it be like that ALL THE TIME??

And what if we get to pick where we live? I mean, Jesus said that He's preparing a place for us, and His Father's house has many rooms. Do we get to dream about what that'll look like? If you could pick out your house in heaven, what would it look like? A log cabin surrounded by trees next to a shimmering lake? A grand Victorian with hidden staircases and a huge front porch with rocking chairs? A simple cottage by the beach?

Here's my "heaven house..."


Can you imagine eating breakfast and reading every day in that cupola thing up on top?? This house is spitting distance from the beach, right next to the channel, and would be only more perfect if it were right ON the beach.

And when we're in heaven, you know what I think would be SO COOL? Imagine if we could all pile in this huge heavenly amphitheater (with unlimited amounts of movie-theater popcorn, of course), and there would be this eNORmous screen, and then this eNORmous voice would say, "Okay, THIS is how it all REALLY happened..." and we'd get to watch how Creation unfolded from the very beginning. How exactly He made the sun and moon and stars and all the animals and us, how history unfolded, how the landscape changed, every storm, every disaster, every detail. All the weird things we STILL don't know exist at the very bottom of the ocean. I mean, would that not be THE coolest thing?? We wouldn't even need those head-pinching 3D glasses, because it would all be SO THERE.

#2. I think I scared the bejeebers out of some Hope freshmen yesterday.

So I'm at work yesterday tending to a very edible little 35-week small-for-gestational age baby. One of the nurses I work with comes and tells me that some Hope student just called and asked if she could come to the unit for a tour and to interview an OB nurse. Well, the OB nurses were quite swamped out on the floor, so she asked if I could do it (and I'm sure she knows that my veins DO course with blue and orange Flying Dutchman blood). Well, around 6:15 these two kids show up who look like they're easily about 15 years old. Turns out one of them needs to write a paper for her Freshman English class about something she's interested in, and she wanted to interview an OB-GYN, but it was a little more feasible to tour the unit and interview an OB nurse. I'm not technically an OB nurse per se, but I guess I would have to do.

The other 15-year-old/college freshman was there for moral support, as the interviewer was way too afraid to come to the hospital alone.

So Freshman has her little half-sheet of paper with some questions that she had typed up. I was about rolling at her questions, they were just so cute. Like, "What's the difference between a normal delivery and a c-section?" (Me: "Ummmm....WELLLLL....in one, the baby comes out of _______. In the other, they cut a hole in mom and pull it out of THERE." *crickets* Seriously? You didn't know this??) Her other questions involved things such as 'Why do people get induced?' and 'What are the reasons people get a c-section?' and stuff like that. Then she asked one of the million-dollar questions: "What are the risks of having a normal (ie, vaginal) delivery?"

This is where the buck kind of stops. Childbirth is amazing. Absolutely amazing. I LOVE going to deliveries. LOVE them! But there's a reason that for EVERY delivery I attend, no matter how easy that pregnancy was and no matter how beautifully labor progressed, I have to have a full regalia of resuscitation equipment at the ready (yes, it's there, tucked away in a homey cupboard). Because you NEVER KNOW. I've been to "those" deliveries. Everything was cool, and suddenly it wasn't. It happens. Not very often, but it happens. And people don't like that. Why would they? People don't like to know that working with "BAY-beez" isn't always, well, a walk in the park. Childbirth is a miracle for a reason. It's hard work. There are a LOT of variables. Do you REALLY want to know, sweet freshman?

But she did, and so while she and Moral Support fiddled with their expensive phones to figure out how to record me, I jotted down a quick list of the first things that came to mind.

Hemorrhage.
Shoulder dystocia.
Failure to progress.
Placental abruption.
Meconium aspiration.

To name a few. Exceptions rather than the norm, but risks nonetheless.

Freshman and Moral Support had eyes the size of saucers. I'm quite convinced that they will never, EVER bear children. And they thought they were going to talk to someone who fluffs pillows and gives backrubs for 12 hours!!

Then she asked an even better question: "What is the most memorable delivery you've ever been to?"

Ummmmm....should I tell her about the c-section for 26-week triplets that only I showed up to, until the very last second, when Baby A was pulled out, only then did the doors burst open and the rest of the NICU team showed up?

Or....the mom whose epidural paralyzed her diaphragm and she stopped breathing and they almost sectioned the baby IN the L&D room?

Or.....never mind.

"Do you want a good story or a not-so-good story?," I ask.

Freshman: "How about one of each!"

So I told her a really sweet story, and then I told her a not-very-sweet story.

Freshman and Moral Support are speechless. I'm pretty sure I saw Freshman mentally changing her major to art history. You could hear a pin drop. She says, "Well, I think that's all the questions I had! Thanks!" and after taking a quick look at my edible 35-weeker, scrams.

Oh my word, that was probably the best form of birth control those girls are going to have for a LONG TIME. They didn't even realize that some people deliver babies WITHOUT pain medicine. Moral Support about fell off her chair.

So that's my story about the end of my shift yesterday. I mean, OB is totally cool. 99% of deliveries are amazing and go beautifully. But if you're gonna probe about the other 1%, you gotta be prepared for the answers.

#3. I'm missing out on burrito night with my friends.

Bezoar (that's my best friend, Kristin, in case you didn't know who "Bezoar" is!) makes a mean burrito. Weeks ago, she invited us accountability girls over for a burrito night, pajamas and fuzzy slippers required. So that's tonight, and I'm missing it, and it's NO FAIR!

I guess that's about it. Hope you enjoyed my randomosities!! I have some new recipes I need to post soon, so stay tuned!

Tact

So I'm annoyed. And I don't like to write the things that annoy me on this blog because, once again, there are enough rant-forums in the world, we don't really need one more. But I like to share things on this blog that are going on in our life. And I really prayerfully filter through a lot of things because not everything absolutely has to be said. I have a feeling, however, that on some level everyone can relate to these things - whether you've been through it yourself, you will go through it someday, or you know someone going through it, or you can even try to imagine going through it.

And I have to say this as a disclaimer right off the bat: It is the honest-to-goodness truth that I am not referring to any of my dear family members (Matt's or mine) or any of my friends. So if you're a friend or family member reading this, please don't introspectively say, "Oh NO!! Am I who she's referring to?" because you're totally not. What I DO want you to do is punch the air and go "YEAH!!! Whatever SHE said! So THERE!" I really am just ranting here and if I needed to "rant" to any of my nearest and dearest, I certainly wouldn't do it on a blog!! :)

Okaaaaay....so here I go......I'm talking about pregnancy here. No, I'm not pregnant. (Sorry!! That would be a really FUN thing to talk about!) I'm simply not. Yes, we've been married three years. Yes, "it's time." Yes, we'd love to have a family and have no doubt that someday, rather through biological or adoptive means or both, God will give us one. Yes, we're hoping that it's sooner rather than later. But that journey has only begun for us, and will undoubtedly take some time - whether months or years. We make plans, the Lord directs our steps.

I am stunned - flummoxed, I say - at the lack of tact that I have seen people exhibit in this area of my life. I am horrified at how brazenly people have approached me and others around me to ask if and when I'll be pregnant. A few weeks ago I was at work...a good friend of mine had recently found out she was pregnant and told me and few others who are close to her, but was not planning to fully announce it to everyone for at least a couple more weeks. Well, when you work with all women, and a handful of us are of childbearing age, "the eyes" are going to start watching and "the ears" are going to start listening. I don't know if someone accidentally leaked about my friend, but the rumor mill was in full churn about "someone on day shift being pregnant." And in came the swarm. One morning, within the first three hours of my shift, about three people came up and asked me if I was pregnant, or is it my friend. And I'm like, oh my word. For one thing, if it were me, maybe I'm not ready to share that. And if it's my friend, that's HERS to share, not mine.

Later that day, I walked out to the desk to check the schedule. A gaggle of people were sitting at the desk yakking about how I might be pregnant. Again, oh my word. What if I HAD been trying for quite some time and it hadn't happened yet? Or what if I just miscarried last week? What if I found out two days ago that we can't have children biologically? Walking in on something like that would be crushing.

Some people, in this frenzy (I need to point out that there are about six or seven people at work right now who are pregnant, so it really has been a frenzy), have actually verbalized that they were considering calling one of us at home to ask if we were pregnant. Seriously? I've actually been at work a number of times and while they think they're kidding and being humorous, I've had people remark, "You know, maybe you shouldn't eat that...it wouldn't be good for the baby" and things like that. Seriously? What kind of daggers does that send into the heart of someone who has been struggling in this area?

AND THEN - *THEN* - I work with a nurse who went through a twelve-year struggle with infertility. She is the most dear, precious person. Her transparency is mind-blowing when it comes to her faith and her struggles. She and her husband have two daughters now - one via traditional adoption, and the other they adopted as an embryo that was implanted in her (so cool!). I can't even pretend to comprehend the struggle that they faced together as they continually laid this desire for a family at the Lord's feet. But people have been coming up to HER and asking HER if I am pregnant and/or planning on starting a family. WHAT? She approached me yesterday to tell her that she's gotten this question from a number of people, and she just wanted to let me know that she told them that that was an inappropriate question to ask her or me or anyone else, and the best thing that they could do was pray that these things will happen in God's timing.

Oh my word. This is just so strange to me. Since when? Seriously? Since when? Since when are such intimate and delicate and fragile decisions something that others are privy to ask about? What if this is an area of struggle for us right now, and each time you ask I need to choke back a sob for the baby I just lost? What if my heart has been shattered with the unexpected news that this may never be for me and my husband? Or what if I am delighted with knowing that a life is blossoming in me, but for right now it's a delicious secret for me and my husband to treasure? When did we become a people who so revel in voyeurism that we've lost sight of exactly how inappropriate it is when it comes to day-to-day life?

Please don't get me wrong: I am very open about these things with my friends and family. Even people I don't know very closely who respectfully and tactfully ask, "Do you guys hope to have a family soon?" are refreshing. I tell them yes, and please pray for us as we hope to have that chapter in our life open soon.

It just comes down to tact. I guess that's what my beef really is. Please have some tact. I really do enjoy my coworkers. There's a handful of them who I consider falling into my "good friend" category, whether they're my age or they're my "mom-away-from-mom" figures. But it's so apparent to me - and maybe they don't mean this, but it's how it comes across - that the rest would rather have something else to gossip about, rather than caring about what's really going on in someone's life. And that's so not cool. I mean, no one in either of our families even sort of behaves this way. Heck, here I am, an only child, my parents' only opportunity to ever have grandkids, and even THEY don't trample on my feelings and heart and privacy in this manner!

I guess I would hope that a pile of people working on an OB unit would, of all people, demonstrate a little more graciousness in this area. Here we see and work alongside people all the time who have struggled to have a baby. We've all held the second- or third-trimester demise in our hands and wept with the devastated parents. We've seen the fun and happy side of OB, and the very tragic side of it as well. Can we develop a better sense of sensitivity, then???

Okay, I'm wrapping this up. I really hope that the burden of infertility is not a cross that Matt and I are meant to bear, but if it is, my prayer is that we will continue to thank and glorify God. For who are we to gladly receive blessing that comes from His hand, yet not also receive the difficulties that we are handed? He is the Lord of the universe whether or not I get what I want in this life.

So yes, we'd love a child someday. We've only begun to start venturing down that road and would love your prayers and encouragement. I know most people are well-intentioned and don't mean to hurt, but we so badly need to remember that so many people are hurting. Remember that when you want to tease someone about dating or getting married or having a baby. Remember that when you're about to make a knock on people with mental illness. Remember that before you make a flippant remark. I'm talking to myself here, too, so I'm learning just as much about adjustments I need to make in my thinking and behavior.

Thanks for reading my rant. I tried not to make it over rant-y. And when/if I have good news to share...I'll share it at just the right time. :D

Comfort...

If summer is a party...


Fall is the best friend that sticks around and helps you clean up...


...and sticks around to drink coffee and talk about what's REALLY going on.

Don't you just love fall??

Three years...

I came down into the kitchen this morning, and Matt was sitting there reading his Bible in his bedtime regalia (fleece, flannel pants, double socks, and hat - yes, all of this, even in the summer). He looked at me for a second, and then his face brightened with realization and he said, "Hey, happy anniversary!" We marveled that it doesn't feel like three years - it actually feels a lot longer than that. Partly because our first year involved SO many things that most people manage to fit into ten or twenty years (multiple moves to multiple states, job loss and changes, etc). But Matt summed it up nicely, "I guess it just feels timeless."

Our first year of marriage was pretty tough. We went through a lot together and were stretched way more than we imagined we would be. Living states away from our support systems was no joke. Heck, we really barely knew each other, come to think of it, when we got married. We only dated for four months before becoming engaged, and were engaged for seven months, three of which we spent apart while I was at camp in southern Colorado and Matt was settling into the condo in Denver. Marriage was a huge adjustment, to say the least, for both of us.

Our marriage looks so different from what I think both of us imagined it would be. TV shows and movies and our culture in general gives us the impression that our partner is the one who is supposed to meet all of our needs, make us happy, and love us for who we are. While all of these things are true to a degree, we found that having these expectations of each other pretty quickly led to disaster. No one person can meet all of our needs - only Christ can. Our happiness can't be found only in another person - the joy of the Lord is our strength. And if marriage is supposed to model Christ's relationship with His bride - the church - then yes, we are loved for who we are, but the one (and the One) who loves us loves us too much to let us stay exactly as we are. That last one was a toughie. Being with this other person 24/7 served as a huge mirror that showed me just how selfish, prideful, childish, and set in my ways I really was. And so down the challenging, rewarding, amazing, redeeming, grace-filled road of marriage we sped.

God is so kind for giving me Matt for a husband, who I have learned is my primary source of grace on this earth. Matt, thank you for loving me sacrificially, for the way you take our relationship so seriously, the ways in which you seek to grow and connect with me. Thank you for being always on your guard for the things that could encroach on our relationship. Thank you for making me laugh, spending time with me, being my greatest source of encouragement, and always having my back. In so many ways we ARE still "newlyweds," but in so many ways, you're right...our marriage IS timeless. I can't wait to see what the NEXT three years will bring!

Cake Wrecks

Oh my word. The last time I laughed this hard was probably the last time I worked with my friend Martine in the Special Care Nursery and she told me about the time she thought she was being attacked by a coyote and it turned out to be a jackrabbit. When I work with her, I usually end up with sore, tear-streaked cheeks, my eyeliner and mascara completely *destroyed*, needing to change my pants.

This site is about ugly, horrible cakes. It's just good, clean fun. And it made me laugh ALMOST as hard as Martine does.

My friend Erin's blog (which is linked on the right hand side of this blog, under Erin Southwell) has been nominated for best blog of 2009!!! If you've never looked at her blog before, grab a cup of tea, curl up in your favorite spot, and let it take you away. Her eye for beauty, her way of describing it, AND her heart for the Lord are so encouraging and refreshing. Anyway, I'm helping her out by providing the link where you too can vote for her blog as the best of the best. You do have to sign up to be a member of "Divine Caroline," but it only takes a minute. If Erin receives the $250 prize, she plans to donate it to a hospital in Africa where friends serve as missionaries.

http://www.divinecaroline.com/awards/Aug-09/2153-rare-and-beautiful-treasures

And He will give you the desires of your heart...

I have this spiral-bound notebook. It's red, and has a haphazard drawing of a daisy on it with glittery petals. In the lower corner it reads, "My notes." I scribbled the "notes" out and replaced it with "plans."

Five or so years ago, I was in the middle of a....funk. I was working nights and had come to a circadian impasse: I couldn't sleep day OR night. I was taking ambien AND Benadryl to no avail, and was barely scraping by on a handful of hours of sleep at best each day. My job at the time was stressful and I was dealing with a number of mentally and emotionally draining cases. I was in a relationship that was on a slow train to nowhere, which left me in a chronic state of anticipation met with frustration. I was so. Frustrated. With life. I cried out to God on a regular basis: Help me sleep. Help me get by at work. Show me what to do with this guy.

There is so little in this life over which we really have a ton of control. I really think God was teaching me that at the time, and was systematically prying my fingers off of the things to which I was clinging so tightly. He does that sometimes. It sucks.

I had bought this one book, called "Table for One: The Savvy Girl's Guide to Being Single." That book was - apart from the Bible - like a life manual for me! It was written by a 30-something single gal who was REAL...her descriptions of her feelings hit so close to home that they made me cry. But at the end of the book, it made me want to sing from the rooftops about the blessed season God had me in. Above all, the part that resonated with me the most was that God has put SO many desires in our hearts. At the time, the one desire I thought I had was to be married. But she made me stop and think, wait a second...maybe I can't do much about the married part right NOW, but there are probably some things that I CAN do right now that I've always wanted to....

So I bought the notebook. I ripped out pages from my National Geographic Adventure magazines of places I wanted to go and things I wanted to do someday. I taped in newspaper clippings of fun things to do in the area - like kiteboarding lessons in Traverse City and hangliding up near my parents' house. I made lists of things I wanted to do someday - reasonable and far-fetched. I sat on my couch - flanked by throw pillows that were stained with mascara from me crying so much - and started to map out a life that was entirely possible to have if I was willing to take a few chances. I was figuring out that God never intended for me to sit and mark time. Wait on HIM - yes. Watch life go by, enveloping myself in frustration because I wasn't getting what I thought I needed to have - not so much.

So I decided to be a camp nurse. That way I could be a nurse AND be outside and reset my body clock, right? I broke up with the guy. I dumped my earthlies into storage. And with a "Home is where the car is" clipping taped to the dashboard in my car, off I tooted for parts unknown. A life unknown. It was awesome and horrifying all at once. But that day I started to chip away at a list I had made on April 6, 2005: "Things I want to do in the next five years." Twenty-one things - ridiculous and reasonable - that I could make a way to do in five years. Buy a digital camera. Get a passport. Learn how to kayak. Live near the water in California. Learn how to change a flat. Those were some of the ones I've managed to check off. Others (ski in British Columbia, kayak by the Baja peninsula, camp in Banff National Park) are still up for grabs. Maybe I'll have to extend the deadline on my little list...

My point is, that notebook was one of the best investments I may have ever made (besides a marriage license signed by a certain sweet man and the purchase of a certain yellow dog). I still visit that notebook and update it, sign and date the pages of places where I have finally been. I remind myself that now that I finally DO have that desire of my heart fulfilled - marriage - I still have other desires that bubble around in me. Places to go. Things to try. When I'm bored or discouraged or need inspiration, I pull the book out. I still rip out magazine pages and tape them in. I make new lists. I dream and plan, and if things work out right, I do.

If you're finding yourself in a funk like I had (and I still have funks - please don't think that now I'm sittin' pretty and my every whim is fulfilled!), please be encouraged. Maybe life doesn't look exactly like you anticipated, but there's a purpose and a sweetness in every season, even if it's a difficult one. God draws us to Him in so many ways. And He's fashioned us all with passions and desires and dreams - more than we even realize. You may not have that much control over your current situation, but you CAN control how you respond to it...either drink up every last drop of despair and hold your cup out for more - OR - push yourself away from the table and sit at a new one. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

No matter how old you are or what season of life you're in, start makin' your list. Ask God to reveal to you what He has in store for a willing heart. Man makes his plans, and the Lord directs his steps (some verse in Proverbs - Psalms? - can't remember which one, but you get the point). It doesn't have to be grandiose or as drastic as dumping your stuff in storage and heading for the mountains - it can be as simple as tackling that book you've always wanted to read, volunteering locally, taking a community ed class, or checking out a new park or trail. Tap into that heart God gave you, and see where He takes you!