I'm exhausted. Partly because it must be allergy season, as someone awakens me frequently with his snoring each night. Partly because I'm working two jobs. But primarily because there is a part of the world to which I've been exposed about which I really cared not to know. I know someone shouldering the weight of an abysmal addiction. It's excruciating. It has no effect on me and it has every effect on me, both at the same time. I'm sad. I'm disgusted. I'm grieved. I'm no different. I'm just as lost in my sin as the next person without the grace of Christ.
I have felt in the past short amount of time like a small child who just heard someone say a *really bad* word for the first time, and I simply can't believe people would actually say something like that. Now here I am, at the not-so-tender age of 31 (and a career in nursing doesn't exactly lend itself to a lifetime of innocence), and I'm like, you gotta be kidding me. I was at Meijer today and every. single. person. I walked by I wanted to stop and take them by the shoulders and say, "Did you KNOW that this happens? Have you SEEN it? Are YOU affected by this too, in some way? Doesn't it make you want to crumble?"
Is THIS what it's like to experience the fraction of grief we should feel when we pray for our hearts to be broken for the things that break God's heart? Does it leave us in the olive oil section of the grocery store, praying for composure? Is this why we are admonished to hide God's Word in our hearts, because at night when the thoughts and images assail your mind, that's the only thing that will barricade them?
I'm okay. Really, I am! There are just times when I'm so acutely aware that there is an enormous battle being waged for our hearts and souls, and NOT ONE of us should take lightly that we are right in the middle of it. And NOT ONE of us should be so prideful as to think that it'll never affect us, our families, our spouses, or our children.
For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds ~ 2 Corinthians 10:4
The enemy may win a few battles, but God promises that He's already sealed the deal on the war. If anything, I've learned more about storming heaven's gates than I ever would have had I remained blissfully unaware. I'm just gonna keeping sharpening my weapon. (And slip Matt some Claritin. For the snoring ;D)