Thursday, July 22, 2010

Glory baby...

My first due date is approaching. My Glory Baby was due this Saturday.

Before I got pregnant with Little Bird, every Saturday I experienced a little bit of grief, thinking of how I would have been one week farther. After I got pregnant again, I started to lose track, but always had a general idea of how far I would be. Then it snuck up on me: a few weeks ago I was at a c-section for a baby who was early-ish, and when I was perusing the mom's prenatal for some information I needed, my eyes shot to her due date: July 20th. And suddenly I was like, "Oh my word. I would be term right now." And it felt kind of sad and weird.

And then...there's this lady who walks by my house every day. She has a two-year-old boy who was a 34-weeker that I took care of in the Special Care Nursery. She and her husband were THE most darling couple, and we still chitty-chat if we see each other.

Well, she had another baby this past weekend. I was working in the Special Care Nursery (known not-very-affectionately as "The Cave" because, quite often, people forget that you're there because it's separate from pretty much everything else), and the nurse in the Well-Baby nursery had to run to the bathroom or something, so she carted in this lone little baby from the nursery for me to watch while she was gone. So in comes this day-old, DARLING little baby girl...I peered at the name tag and it was this lady's baby. She was due on the 26th. It kind of hit me: this is exactly what my baby would be like right now (well, not exactly, but you know what I mean).

There was no one else in the Special Care Nursery with me (well, no one over four pounds, that is). I picked up this baby girl and she got kind of ticked. But I snuggled her and talked to her and she settled down and fell asleep. And I sank into a recliner at one of my bitty's bedsides and held her and just sobbed. I can't explain why, and I probably don't need to. I needed to hold that baby and grieve.

I purposefully took vacation time starting this Saturday because I intentionally want to make the weekend of the 24th full of good memories to celebrate the life that would have been.

Meanwhile, I do have to say I have nothing but praise to God for how good He's been to us. Granted, He gave us another child right away, one who thrives and kicks and tumbles and is growing (or at least making ME grow) at an alarming rate! But we don't just praise Him for what He gives us; we praise Him because He is sovereign and He gives AND he takes away, and while the "taking away" part stinks, it can be an act of mercy...and clearly was what was best for that baby. I love that baby and I miss it; Little Bird is not a replacement but is a tremendous grace.

...but baby let sweet Jesus hold you
Till Mom and Dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

1 comment:

CA Mommy said...

In my advanced years(!)I have learned a few things. One of them is that life is filled with happiness as well as sadness. We are happy for the life that we have, but grieve the life we thought we would have. I am glad that you had the comfort of a new life to help you grieve the lost life of your first baby. Soon your Little Bird will fill your arms and your heart with joy, but your Glory Baby will remain in your heart forever. I love you Jennymark, and could not ask for a better mother for my grandchildren.