33 weeks?! And other things.

Yes, 33 weeks!!! My first shower is this weekend!!! I still feel good, the gest. diabetes is well-controlled thus far, and I'm starting to realize that this little person is getting bigger by the day and will soon need to come OUT. I'm not so sure how I feel about that, so I choose not to dwell on it and figure it will unfold as it is to unfold and there's absolutely nothing I can do to truly, TRULY prepare for it, so why get all bent out of shape??

I had an ultrasound last week and the baby is measuring on the high-ish end of normal but normal nonetheless, not a honker quite yet. I was really excited to get pics and post them, and then, well, they didn't turn out nearly as cute as 20-week pics. When the baby is really teeny and has plenty of amniotic fluid to bounce around in, it's really cute and delicate. The baby is now much larger, has much less room to roam, and its scary (0n ultrasound they all look scary), pudgy little face takes up the whole screen and invites you to scream rather than coo at it!!!! So the pictures...will not be posted. Sorry.

I'm running out of steam earlier in the day than I normally do. I normally get up between 6 and 7 on my days off and go full-tilt until I go to bed. Now I get up between 6 and 7 and go full-tilt until about 11am, when the little wind-up thingy on my back starts to grind and sputter and I start to go downhill. So Matt put a sanction on my activities - namely, cooking activities. I can easily spend much of my day chopping, baking, pureeing, prepping, thawing, you name it. But then I get exhausted and find myself up to my elbows in a mess to clean and now it's time for Matt to come home and I'm starting to come unglued...now I'm allowed to do any or all of these things to my heart's content until 1pm. Then I must stop. No matter if there is no meal prepared for the evening. He will fend for himself. And then I feel like a failure.

I have a HARD TIME accepting my limitations and allowing myself to use the pregnancy card. I want my house to be clean. I want to gladly take whatever assignment I get at work. I want my fridge still full of good, healthy, homemade meals. I want to exercise. I want to NOT feel like the whiny pregnant lady who uses it as an excuse to be lazy or shirk her responsibilities. But yep, I'm tired. I'm more out of breath. My feet don't hurt but are uncomfortable after a while on them. I don't have the strength in my back like I usually do to bend over a postpartum mom trying to not-very-successfully breastfeed her baby. I can normally scoot around pretty deftly during the day but am loosely waddling by the evening.

I was on the phone with a friend from work this morning. She has four kids and is one of the sweetest, most wise women I know. Our convo was brief, but she admonished me to get my rest and allow my standards to change. She told me that she tried to still be the super-clean-house-amazing-meals-etc-etc-etc wife and mother after her first baby was born, and she regrets that she may have missed out on some of his first year of life because she was so consumed with trying to do it all just like she was able to before. So her admonition to me was to enjoy being pregnant and enjoy that baby while I can...the rest is inconsequential. Matt's been trying to say pretty much the same thing to me, but you know how it's easy to kind of brush off what your spouse says, because how could they possibly understand _____ anyway? So I'm trying to practice that more and more...so what if there are dog-hair tumbleweeds along my baseboards? And a handful of unfinished projects around the house? And dinner is kind of hodge-podge? I have a sweet little baby rolling around in my tummy and I'm a little sleepy and I'm going to sit down and blog (and gently push little elbows and knees and butt and feet back into place) instead of run around like mad. I can only do so much right now.

And bottom line is, I can only do so much on my own strength. Like, very little. I am so well aware of my limitations right now and my need to pray, "Lord, give me your strength right now." How much more do I need to depend on Him!!! Why don't I always make that my first thought and prayer? Why do I insist on trying to do everything on my own? I know part of it is because I'm full of pride and don't want to overly depend on others. Icky, icky pride. Ugh. Sever it at the ROOT!!!!

Anyway, none of this is very profound, but that's all I have the energy and capacity to do this hour. Ooooh...little head grinding on my bladder again...better go...!!!!