I'll take the horrid mumu, please

I was on a rampage today and was terribly displeased.

I'm hot. As in, I feel like my body is going to burst into flame when it's >75 degrees out. The person residing in me is a mere 5 ounces, but they're making me into a human inferno.

And so, simply enough, I set out to find a pair of shorts today.

When I first got pregnant, I thought, "Oh FUN!!! Shopping for maternity clothes!!" Finally your tummy is CUTE instead of shameful, people want to touch it instead of inviting you to the gym, and you want to wear clothes that show it off instead of tastefully hide it.

I received piles - and I mean piles - of hand-me-downs from people at work who recently finished having babies. And I got some great stuff - but most of it is for cooler weather. Which is great, given that I'll be in the enormous throes of pregnancy when the weather is cooler. I dirted my regular jeans weeks ago when I discovered that awesome elastic thing that stretches to your chin and practically over your head and back again. So I've really enjoyed wearing my new-to-me duds. My Title 9 sporty knit dresses have managed to squeak me by as well and will continue to do so in the next few weeks.

I've got jeans, capris, dresses, skirts...but I wanted good old shorts.

This Bella Band thingy does not blow my hair back at all. It's this large stretchy band that you can wear over your regular pants, leaving your pants unbuttoned and the band will hold everything in. But it makes me look exactly like I have a zipper and buttons being corralled under a large band under a shirt (in addition to my tummy), which is NOT a cute look. And when it's hot out, the last thing I want is this huge piece of synthetic-stretchy-something snug against my body underneath my clothing. So that option is a last resort, if that.

So I went out looking for some shorts today. I was horrified. I went to a couple of consignment shops that sell all baby and maternity stuff, but totally struck out. I'm sure the shorts flew off the racks when the weather heated up, and I was a late arrival. So that was out. Then I went to Younker's to check out their "new maternity section" and was equally shocked and flummoxed at the horrid selection of tent-like tops, bizarre patterns, and ranks of pants and jeans. I was like, you have GOT to be kidding me. Just because my midsection is a bit bigger does NOT mean that my interest is suddenly piqued by awful prints on huge, unbecoming shirts. I actually blurted out loud, "Are you KIDDING me?!" in the middle of the store (but I was at the West Shore Mall, so it's not like anyone was there to hear me anyway). It was insulting. Why on earth would I wear anything like that, pregnant or not?

Then I went to JC Penney. Asked the first person I saw where the maternity department is. "Sorry, we don't have a maternity department." I nearly cried. I blurted out that I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust and NO ONE has any maternity shorts. The girl just looked at me with wide, apologetic eyes.

I went to my car and speed-dialed my mom to vent. I'm hot, I feel like a Clydesdale horse (not saying I look like one, just feel like it), and all I want is a stupid pair of SHORTS. And WHY is all of the other clothing totally disgusting, like something that no self-respecting rhinoceros would even be caught dead wearing, let alone ME?

Well, my tale of woe does come to an end. I finally went to Kohl's. I normally get frustrated at Kohl's because often when I shop there the racks are haphazardly stuffed with clothing from different sections of the store...I'm not one of those patient people who can sift through racks and come up with a prize-winning outfit. But I was a hot, angry pregnant broad who was on a warpath for shorts. Alas, Kohl's became my anointed summer-wear savior this afternoon. I found two pairs of shorts AND a dress (all on sale!), all made by Motherhood Maternity, who has faithfully provided great clothes, great prices, and they're clothes that I would actually want to wear whether or not I'm pregnant. (I would have just gone to Grandville to the actually Motherhood store, but was on call for work and couldn't leave town.)

And now my world is peaceful again...and much cooler.