..and counting!!!

SOOOooooo...

Tomorrow is 36 weeks!!!!!! I canNOT believe we've made it to this point already!! Praise the Lord!!!!

I've struggled immensely with fear in this 30-something-week range, more than the first and second trimesters combined. When you have a first-trimester loss, it's awful, but for some reason I can wrap my mind around it a little better. Second trimester is horrid, because there really is a little person that you can hold and touch and see. You get into the viability range (23, 24 weeks) and you breathe somewhat of a sigh of relief, but you're kidding yourself if you think you're out of the woods yet. I breathed an eNORmous sigh of relief when I got past 28 weeks, because most 28-weekers I've taken care of turned out quite well. Sailed past 30 weeks, danced for joy at 32 (Holland keeps 32 weekers!! Provided they don't need a vent or something)...and then - oh my goodness. Wait a sec. We're fully in this thing now. The baby's room is ready. The showers are being thrown. People stop you on the street to ask when you're due, because now there's really no question about if you're pregnant or just...um, looking pregnant. A loss would be more devastating with each day. Did it move enough today? Wait...it's been several hours. Are my blood sugars too high and I don't even know it, between my really good ones after meals? My rational self competes with my way-too-much-knowledge-for-my-own-good self, topped with a hint of my ability to compLETEly irrational and dwell on the worst case scenario.

I have a small handful of girls to whom I go for accountability, and they've been praying for me in this area. And man, God has answered their prayers over the past couple of weeks. He HAS been showing me what my fear really is...an idol to which I'd rather cling than to Him. Fear gives me some semblance of control - I can Google symptoms, can access a variety of books and sites to answer my every question, heck - I can grab a doppler or have a fellow nurse put me on a fetal monitor to reassure me things are going well. I can obsess, ruminate, conjure up ideas...rather than just running to the One who is creating this child in the first place, whose days are already numbered and listed in His book, the One who will give him or her their very first breath...!!!!

Anyway, I think we'll soon have the date officially, but it's looking like I'll be induced the last week of this month. It's standard for gestational diabetics to be induced at 39 or 39 1/2 weeks - even if the baby has been measuring normal all along, it's still safest to catch it before it could potentially get too big. I'm 39 weeks on October 28th. My OB caught me in the hall at work yesterday and asked if I was thinking about induction dates, so we briefly chatted, and I'm sure we'll nail down an actual plan at my appointment this week. I could do it the 28th, or wait until November 1st (because I don't want to do it on the weekend, I don't want a baby sharing a birthday with any holiday if I can help it). For a handful of reasons I think I'll go with the 28th. That's 3 weeks away!!!!!! Aye!!!!! But we're so ready. I am at least...I think Matt's still wrapping his mind around it. ;)

I need to throw this on the table. I've done a lot of thinking about this, well before we even got pregnant. Much of it comes from a handful of years working on a postpartum unit and consoling moms who are exhausted, emotional, and falling apart because they're so overwhelmed and have so much to learn before they go home and take on this little person on their own. Anyway, we will SO look forward to the fun of introducing our Little Bird to everyone who has loved and prayed for him or her along the way...but we plan to do that primarily after we get home rather than in the hospital. Part of it is because since I'm delivering where I WORK, I'll already have a built-in parade of well-wishers who have been my cheerleading squad, 36hrs a week for the past, well, 36-ish weeks. :) In addition to resting, learning to breastfeed (hopefully!), and having the usual visits from doctors, medical records, parent advocates, nurses, etc etc. Additionally, I'm delivering as cold and flu season is starting to get into full swing and want to keep visitors to a minimum for the first couple of days. So if after we deliver you notice we're keeping it on the down-low, I really want to make it clear that in no way are we trying to leave anyone out or hurt any feelings. Once we're home, we'll gladly welcome visitors!!! But during those first few days it'll just be family and a small handful of our closest friends.

Granted, as a pregnant woman, I fully reserve the right to compLETEly change my mind at any given moment, and as soon as that baby is born, I may command that bleacher seats be set up IMMEDIATELY to accommodate the adoring public. ;) But for right now that's not the plan. :)

I have an ultrasound in about 45 minutes so I better fill my bladder (*sip* - DONE!) and get ready. I'll post pictures if they don't turn out scary-looking like my last ones.