Remember when we used to sing that we'd party like it's 1999? As if something amazing and pivotal would happen at the END of 1999, so we may as well party like rock stars? Or at least like the Artist Formerly Known as Prince??? (hahahahahaha)
And man, NOW 1999 is SO....1999. Like shelved along with all of Molly Ringwald's movies. It really feels like it was that long ago.
Well that was a random thought that just flew off my fingers.
A year ago, Matt and I celebrated with dinner at the Piper. The Christmas season was hard, filled with many nights when I cried myself to sleep during a ridiculously drawn-out miscarriage. But it was good. Christmas was bittersweet - bitter for the obvious reason, sweet because my dear Savior came to experience suffering on a level I will never have to know, to truly bring comfort and joy - not just in a "it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you" way. My comfort is in Him; His joy is my strength. We looked forward to a new year, somewhat biting our lips wondering if this loss was just a precursor for more. But at least we had hope. And each other.
It felt like my friends were having babies left and right. Not really, but a small handful of my nearest and dearest were due soon. I admit that I felt bitter and angry at times. And I only had one loss...what do people do when they have multiple losses??? I can only imagine.
On the day that one of my besties had her baby, I got two pink lines. I was scared to death, yet deep down I knew it would be okay. Matt emailed me from work and asked how I was doing after having visited my friend and her newborn in the hospital. I wrote back that, as a matter of fact, I was doing quite fine - and attached a picture of the positive test. It took him a few looks to figure out what the picture was and what I meant.
Well, here I am, probably should be in bed - Matt turned in earlier than is probably legal on NYE, the dog is snoring and smacking her lips, the baby is conked, and the diaper load in the wash needs its second cycle. But I just want to savor this. I want to sit here and think about every little moment from this past year. Finding out we were expecting again. Our entire church congregation praying for us on Sunday morning. Telling Martine at work and having her nearly leap over a baby's isolette on me. Praying through c-sections that I would not ralph in my surgical mask. The love that my family, friends, church family, and coworkers poured on me while I grieved and while I rejoiced. Seeing Levi for the first time - a little speck of rice on a seven-week ultrasound with a bright flick-flick-flick for a heartbeat. Grilling the poor ultrasound tech at the 20-week appointment about every possible anomaly. Peeing every 45 minutes for months. My dear husband cheering me on during labor like he'd done it a million times before. My OB flipping the baby up for us to be the first to see what "it" was and both of us calling out in unison, "It's a....boy?!?!?" Our guts totally said he was a girl.
My little bird finally came...and really, the thought of calling him a "little bird" now - at 13 1/2 pounds and in 6-month clothes - is kind of laughable.
I'm just so grateful. I was so afraid of so many things,and God carried us through. He kept my sweet baby safe in the hidden place and brought him safely to our family.
So 2011 looks to be a little more low-key and I'm okay with that. I'll go back to work part-time and my dear neighbor will watch Levi - another evidence of God's grace to us. Again, so grateful.
Resolutions? I guess I have a few bouncing in my mind, of course. But I really want to go deeper this year, into the heart and marrow of my spirit and sever some sin issues at the root. That's going to take some humility and will require some work - but I look forward to experiencing the fruit of the freedom that will result.
Well, I better get to bed. Lord knows I'll be up again soon!!! Happy New Year!