A struggle with fear (sorry it's so long)

*The above picture is meant to symbolize the way that fear can overcome you just like a big, nasty storm cloud. It is not meant to highlight Matt's balding head, though it does do that quite nicely.*


I remember when I was about four years old and watching this little vignette on Sesame Street: these two little cartoon characters were talking about fear and one little character was asking the other what he was afraid of. He asked about monsters, the dark, scary thunderstorms, etc., and the other guy just kept saying, "Um, no." Then the first guy says, "Well, what ARE you afraid of?" and all of a sudden on the screen came the word FEAR in big cartoon letters, and the second guy shrieks, "FEAR!" and runs away. For Sesame Street, this was kind of an odd philosophical way to point out that most of us, including little kids, are actually not afraid of what we think we're afraid of - it's the act of being afraid itself that is actually scary. And clearly it made an impression on my four-year-old mind, and even then I remember thinking, "Huh...he's afraid of fear itself? Interesting." (or some four-year-old equivalent thereof)

Fear has been an enormous struggle for me. I think it has been all my life, and just festered unchecked in very subtle ways before it really rattled me. Fear, like any other sin (and yes, it's taken a while for me to recognize it for what it is: sin), is very subtle. And hey, doesn't everyone fear something, even just a little bit? And aren't most women prone to worry anyway? Aren't MOST people at least mildly concerned about something having to do with their health, finances, relationships...? Isn't fear really just an inherent characteristic of us all?

Shortly after Matt and I got married my relationship with fear started to rear its ugly head. I had always been able to keep it in check (whether I realized it or not), but at this point I was starting to have panic attacks. If you've never had a panic attack, you can never fully understand that what seems so irrational and ridiculous to you is very real and horrifying to the one who is panicking. They always happened at night, and I would be throttled out of a deep sleep with this consuming feeling that I was absolutely going to die right then and there. My heart was racing, my breathing was shallow, I was sweating, my fingers were tingling, and poor Matt would practically need to peel me off the ceiling. My heart would skip all over the place (I've always been prone to palpitations for some reason), which would only make matters worse. Initially, I wasn't recognizing these as panic attacks; I thought something was seriously wrong with my heart. Then I became obsessed with my heart. Physical concerns are only compounded when you're anywhere near the healthcare field - I know way too much and can rationalize any physical fear that I have.

When we moved back to Michigan I discussed my concerns with my doctor, and she thought it would be wise to at least find out if there IS a physical issue to at least put my mind at ease. I wore a heart monitor for a month - I had three leads stuck to my chest and they were attached to a little pager-like device, and when I felt myself having a palpitation, I would hit a button on the pager and it would record what was going on. Turns out, it wasn't all in my head and I did have some arrhythmias that were potentially concerning. Off I went for a battery of cardiac tests, including an ultrasound and a stress test. My doctor prescribed a beta-blocker for me to take, which I never have. I draw the line there. I knew that my biggest problem was not my physical heart.

My heart still flutters and skips and jumps from time to time, but I just accept it at this point. It might become more of a problem as I age, but what I can I do about it right now? But what really needed to be addressed was my HEART-heart...the one where Christ is supposed to reside. I cannot serve two masters, and unfortunately I am far more willing to submit to fear than to hand it over to the One who abolished it. By submitting to my fear, I am basically saying to God, "You can't handle this and I need to take control of it - I need to ruminate on it, lose sleep over it, think of whatever I can to fix this problem, because clearly You're not." I demonstrate my lack of trust when I fear. My days were written well before I was even made - who on earth am I to think that God didn't know what He was doing when He made me? And how can I grasp the abundant life that He promised if I am so willing to submit to my fleshly desire to worry?

This is still a struggle I deal with daily. It usually centers around my health (which is, um, FINE). I can absolutely convince myself that I have any form of cancer. Or heart disease. Or whatever. And you know what? So what if I do, anyway? Is God any less sovereign? Is He sitting on the edge of His throne waiting with bated breath to find out what tomorrow will bring? Does my frailty bring Him any less glory? And were my days not planned well before I was even formed? Does He not promise to care for me and provide for my needs? Furthermore, He never promised me perfect health - in fact, He promised that in this life I WILL have troubles! This is NOT my best life - my best life awaits me in eternity.

My struggle with fear has actually been a good thing in my life once I was able to see it for what it is: something that will continue to bring me to my knees, searching God's Word for truths about my life, my body, and my heart. Our pastor at Tucson Sovereign Grace pointed out the truth of Romans 8:28 (all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose) - if fear is the one thing that continues to drive me to my knees in prayer and draw me closer to God, then it actually is a good thing. And man, was he right.

Fear sucks. But it doesn't have to control me. I haven't had a panic attack in well over a year now but that's not to say it won't ever happen again, or that I don't still experience things that begin to trigger one. I've been learning to stop listening to myself and start talking to myself and basically preaching God's truths to myself over and over again until the fear subsides. It was always be my biggest struggle. But I'm glad for it, and I've found that the more I talk about it, the more people come out of the woodwork and admit they deal with it too. And that's really what it's all about: us humbling ourselves and admitting our weaknesses and ministering to each other.

Whoa

Usually, Christian women's conferences are what I find to be mildly annoying. They tend to be shmaltzy and hokey, more of a "Let's have GIRL TIME" theme than "Let's have GOD time." And let's just face it, being in a room that has reached estrogen critical mass CAN be overwhelming!

I'm not saying that said conferences are BAD, but I AM put off when Truth is watered down, God is presented as cutesy and glittery, and the deity of Christ is squealed about rather than revered. Such was my trepidation in signing up for the True Woman '08 conference, but when I saw the lineup of speakers I suspected that shmaltz, glitter, and squealing would be minimal.

Oh my goodness, it was SUCH a good conference. It was encouraging and inspiring as one would expect, but it was also in-your-face and deal-with-your-sin-NOW. Over the past couple of years, God has been showing me and Matt that in order for us to function how He created us, sin has to be dealt with. On a regular basis. It's what is continually attempting to separate us from Him, and how can the created approach the Creator with this huge wedge in the middle? And how can the Creator form His creation if said creation refuses to budge the wedge? It is humbling to realize the depth of sin that exists inside myself, namely pride, fear, selfishness...those are only the highlights. But I digress.

John Piper was the keynote speaker on the opening night, and I loved how he summed up and presented the purpose of True Woman: Wimpy theology makes wimpy women!! If we accept a watered-down gospel, how can we truly realize God's purpose in creating woman and the role she plays in displaying His glory? Masculinity and feminity belong at the center of God's purpose, namely, Christ's dying on the cross to abolish sin and be united with his bride, the church, revealing the profound mystery of "two becoming one flesh," as symbolized by marriage. (BTW - I took copious notes - these are Piper's eloquently stated words, not mine!) Essentially, true womanhood is a distinctive calling of God to display the glory of the His Son in ways that would not be displayed if there were no womanhood. Women have a specific role and purpose in the Body of Christ and in marriage that is so much more than physical or biological.

The rest of the conference - which gave so much to chew on I'll have it tumbling around in my head for months - addressed dealing with fear, suffering, and living an intentionally countercultural lifestyle (essentially, culture says it's all about me, God says it's all about Him!). Each speaker was humorous, humble, transparent, open about her struggles, and displayed every walk of life - married, single, kids and no kids. There was no shmaltz, glitter, or squealing - just women who are thirsty to receive Truth and display it in their homes, families, churches, workplaces - wherever they have influence. Good stuff, man. Good stuff.

The group with whom I went was a ton of fun. We stayed in a pretty sweet hotel, ate at PF Chang's, and laughed a LOT. Unfortunately, I returned with my cold being worse than when I left, so here I am at home today on the couch rather than at work. If I were a new mom with a newborn baby, I sure wouldn't want a nurse waltzing in the room who is hacking and coughing all over the place.

Hope you all had a great weekend! Apparently my readership has increased from three to about five, maybe six. That's pretty exciting that people will actually sit and read my endless thoughts. Later!

Road Trippin'

I'm heading to Chicago for a couple of days with a large group of ladies from church - we're going to the True Woman conference in Shaumburg. I'm so excited to hear some great speakers - John Piper, Barbara Rainey, Carolyn McCulley, and Joni Erikson Tada to name a few. I'm so looking forward to getting to know more of the women from church too - I kind of live in Matt's shadow sometimes because, well, he's so MATT. I have my friends too of course, but I'm trying to dig in a little more at church and not just be "Matt's wife." hahahahaha! The little kids know me ("Mrs. G!!"), so it's a good start.

I have a bit of a cold so please pray that I'll figure out the right cocktail of medications that will prevent me from clearing my throat every two seconds at night, thereby keeping my roommates not-so-blissfully awake. Matt is looking forward to having the whole bed to himself, sleeping on his back, and snoring with reckless abandonment.

Have a great weekend!

A big serving of affirmation

When I worked in the NICU it was par for course to take care of extremely premature babies - those born at less than 28 weeks gestation. Some of them were as early as 23 weeks. You never know what you're going to end up with with those babies; their chances of survival is marginal at best, and beyond that it's anyone's guess what the result will be. Just start with the head down: brain hemorrhages, blindness, feeding and speech delays, chronic respiratory issues, liver failure, kidney damage, a whole slew of digestive issues, delayed motor development, sensory integration issues...the list is endless.

And then there are the ones who just pull through it all somehow, and actually end up, well....WELL. They learn how to eat and they go home on minimal to no oxygen and you pack those parents up and bid them farewell, and as soon as they leave we all look at each other and say, "Who'd have thought??"

It never occurs to me that I might encounter a 20-something weeker a few years later, doing little kid things that we all take for granted in other little kids. Four and a half years ago a set of sextuplets (yes, six) was born at the facility in Grand Rapids. Those babies were born around 25 weeks and dealt with the issues that all 25 weekers deal with. The family goes to our church here in Holland, and a handful of the sextuplets are in the preschool crowd with whom I'm helping out at AWANA (thank you, Sara Sibble, for clueing me in on what it stands for: Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed!). Can I just TELL you how humbled my heart was, when, last week, I was at a table coloring with a few of these little people, and I started asking them if they knew how to spell their names. One of the sextuplets blurted out without missing a beat: "K-E-N-N-E-D-Y! Kennedy!" Ventilators, heart surgeries, medications, huge infections, treatments we would never endure as adults, and then they MAKE it. And then they become kids who actually color and learn how to spell their names and go to Wednesday night Bible club. I never allow myself to consider the long-range picture with these babies because I just don't know if many of them HAVE a long-range picture.

Yet, in spite of our feeble human attempts, they do so much more than we expect. Praise God!

A post for Sarah

My mother-in-law, Sarah (who is a FABULOUS mother-in-law, by the way), absolutely loved downtown Holland when everyone was here for our wedding weekend in September 2006. Downtown Holland really puts on a good display for the fall, with decorated store fronts and apple baskets in front of each store. So Sarah, here are some of the apple baskets we saw a couple of weeks ago! And Sarah, can you tell me what these little orange flowers are that I found in our back yard? They look like little Chinese lanterns and are so cool!

More pics from the Dells

I haven't figured out yet how to post more than a few pictures at a time, so here are some more...

Wisconsin Vacation

Finally, I downloaded my pictures from our trip to the Wisconsin Dells. We had a FABULOUS time!! One of the reasons we're so glad to have the timeshare that we do is that it's based on a points system, so we can either use all of our points at someplace more luxurious, or we can break them up and use them at other smaller resorts that are closer by, and we like the fact that we're traveling to places we wouldn't have thought to go otherwise.

The Dells is a somewhat cheesy, Mackinaw City type of place, but if you do some exploring, there is some amazing geography with lakes and hiking trails. We went to a cave, kayaked on a beautiful lake, hiked around another lake, and even spent some time at an indoor water park. We started out at a resort that was off the beaten path, in a very beautiful setting surrounded by trees, but then we switched over to the newer resort where we had a ridiculously large and plush condo. It's fun to feel pampered every once in a while, but I was pretty happy to get back to our simple, small house again!