I guess I need to come clean. I've been holding out on my online community, but most people already know....
Eight weeks, to be exact.
I feel kind of dumb telling people so early, but after my friend Erinn and her husband told our church, I felt like we should too. We need prayers more than we need privacy...and if something were to happen again, it's not like I wouldn't tell you anyway!!
But I'm so afraid.
People miscarry all the time, and then go on to have healthy babies. I know that. It's just hard to believe that that would happen to me. I definitely feel differently this time, but it seems like if you're not dramatically ill, dramatically fatigued, dramatically pregnant...well, then, maybe you're not. It seems like everyone I know was throwing back handfuls of Zofran and wearing a Bella band by the time they were like four days pregnant, and, well, I'm not. Some days I'm really fatigued, but on most I'm fine. Some days I feel disgustingly ill, but on most, I don't. Sometimes I have zero appetite, and by the next hour, I'm acting like I've never eaten in my life! Some days, I feel like Dolly Parton. On others, I feel like Jennifer Aniston. Has anyone else experienced this? Or were you all dramatically pregnant too??
Don't get me wrong, I (and Matt) are VERY excited!! We've received so much encouragement, that that in itself has been a huge blessing. We saw a heartbeat on an ultrasound last week and Matt's jaw about fell to the floor. :) Flick-flick-flick-flick-flick...this little thingy inside of me had one distinguishable feature: a blinking little heart. So simple, and so profound. So....present! But the stakes are so much...higher. We so want this baby. We so want this baby to whole and here and well.
It just shows the utter dependence I have on Christ...to keep my mind from wandering. To keep me from fear and worry. To help me sleep at night (I had first-trimester insomnia for about three weeks, but it seems like it's getting better, thankfully!). I can do nothing to thwart His plans!!! He has been so gracious to give me "good days" when I so badly need them - when I'm on a road trip to see family, or when I'm working twelve hours and going into rooms full of people who smell like they've never washed their feet in their entire lives...and usually my most icky days happen to be when I'm at home. :)
So I know you're rejoicing with us! Thank you! Please also pray that I will be released from the burden of worry and fear and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to look back on this pregnancy and remember that it was marked with joy!! And no matter what, the Lord is in control, and nothing I can do will thwart His plans. He is the giver of ALL good things!!