Thursday, December 17, 2009

A balm to my soul

I drove sweet Carinna to school this morning (Matt usually hogs her....but I guess that's because her school IS on the way to work for him). A balm to my soul.

Kristin and I went out for coffee last night, and were in absolute hysterics over the live music that was playing at the coffee shop. The place where we went attracts a crowd of an...older vintage, if you will. "The Silvertones" were providing the entertainment, suspenders, Santa hats, and accordians to even winked at me when I walked in. A crowd of seniors flanked the Silvertones, clapping gaily in rhythm. One lady in festive red sweatpants was knitting a celebratory blue scarf. We were amused. Greatly.

Another balm to my soul.

Carinna's mom called me this morning after I dropped Carinna off at school. Sandra and God are like bark on a tree. Her relationship with Him is so profound that I can't find words to describe it. The things that she has been through have given her no choice but to rely completely and wholly on Him (shouldn't we all??). Anyway, Sandra is in seminary and was writing a final paper, and God was bugging her so much about this particular verse (she calls it "holy harassment") that she had no choice but to call me and pray it over me. When Sandra prays, things happen. Like, immediately. It's amazing. If faith like a mustard seed can move mountains, Sandra's faith in God can scootch the entire universe. This tiny, gentle woman takes the Word of God and wields it with unabashed authority when she prays.

God harassed her until she gave me this verse:

I therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called...(Ephesians 4:1)

God has called me to this place. I have a duty to uphold. If I crumple, and allow bitterness and anger and anxiety and fear to take root in my heart, bad news. That's not to say I can't FEEL those things, but I may not allow them to take up residence. God has given me an opportunity. I didn't ask for it. I thought my opportunity was to bear a child, and I liked THAT opportunity. But it's what He gave me, and given that He created the universe and knows my heart better than I do, I guess He has the authority to give me what He sees fit. So I have a choice - turn inward and get nasty, or ask Him what it means to walk in a manner worthy of this deal to which I have been called.

...with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:2-3)

God laid on Sandra's heart to tell me that I am very adept at loving people, but I am not loving in circumstances. Huh. I need to seek Him on what He means by that. I have a suspicion I get it (I tend to unravel, and listen to the untrue things I tell myself instead of replacing them with Truth), but I'll have to press into it a little harder.

God is the God of life...and death. He conquered death. Death has NO VICTORY over those who put their trust in Him. He created this baby for the express purpose of taking him or her home in order to glorify Himself. This baby had a purpose...even if the child didn't develop into one we could see, God is using it for His glory.

So if me (and Matt, I'm not trying to leave him out here) going through this trial is a means by which ONE person catches a better glimpse of Christ and who He is and His magnificence, then I'm so, so grateful. I DON'T like it. Yesterday was a REALLY tough day, alone with my thoughts and my grief. I'm heartbroken and scared and frustrated. I wish I were still counting off each day and getting ready to spring some exciting news on my family at Christmas. But that simply was not to be, and I have no control over it.

His grace is sufficient, and it's all I need. Another balm to my soul.


sarah.simpson said...

Jennylove, you are getting there. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, allow others to help as you have, and you will be comforted. Love from CA Mommy

Char nash said...

Jenny and Matt, I have no idea what you are going through...but this was a verse that my mom read everyday of her 92 years and got her through alot....Proverbs ch.3 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not. In all your ways be mindful of Him and He will direct your paths. (she did change a couple of the words) that I am thinking of you both....hugs