Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Something about grief

So many people have remarked about that beautiful poem on my last post, that I have to clarify that those are beautiful song lyrics to the song "Glory Baby" by the band Watermark. It's from their album "All Things New," which is one of my favorite CD's. Watermark is a married couple, and they wrote the song after they had a miscarriage. I have always loved, loved, loved that song, and to be completely honest, something in my heart has long known that at some point I would identify with and treasure that song. I highly recommend downloading it and listening to it.

I just have to say something about grief or going through a hard time. It does no good to hold it in and let it rot your bones. Everyone has lost SOMETHING, whether it's something as silly as a pet gerbil or crushing as losing a spouse or a parent or a child. But we ALL know what that bitter cup of loss tastes like.

I've just chosen to talk about what's going on with us. In Sunday School this past weekend while we were taking prayer requests, I just blurted out that I'm having a miscarriage. Did I wonder if maybe that was just *too* personal, *too* graphic, *too* icky to talk about in Sunday School? You bet. Do I regret saying something? No way. The support was overwhelming. To be able to sit in church and cry openly was freeing. To receive hugs and cry with people who have experienced their own losses was comforting. To just be open about it was liberating.

I didn't think I'd want anyone at work to know. Didn't think I could handle all the questions and puppy-dog eyes. But they really did deserve to know why my face was so blank for two days and why I was grumpy. Once again, SO much support. God is SO kind. He let me work with one of my favorite people in the WORLD (Martine!!!), who is like the big sister I never had and my Mom-away-from-my-Mom, who cried and prayed with me the second I told her what was going on. The word spread quickly and people were encouraging and loving and shared their own experiences with me. One nurse - one that I hadn't told and didn't know that she knew - even gave me a "Willow Tree" angel and a card...I wrote "Glory Baby - 12/14/09" on it and now have a tangible memory of what would have been. It felt SO GOOD to be real. Why the heck WOULDN'T I be real? Because it's embarrassing? Because people might talk about me? So what? It's life. So live it.

If I hadn't told people, I would have stuffed my feelings and suffered quietly, lashed out at other people, and been a miserable wreck. I would never have had the opportunity to see how AMAZINGLY God works through other people and demonstrates His kindness. And THEY would have not had the opportunity to BE that kindness for me. It just does no good to build up our walls and pretend.

So we're going to be okay. Very disappointed to be sure, but it's just not in our control. If I depended on my circumstances to be the rudder of my ship, I'd have run aground a LONG time ago. The joy of the LORD is my strength - not the joy of my marriage, the joy of my friendships, the joy of my pregnancy or children, or anything...those will ALWAYS let me down. I might be let down by what God allows to happen, but HE never lets me down. He gives and He takes away, but He stays the same yesterday, today, and forever.


Wolters said...

So well said, I love the last paragraph it is so true. Love you lots and am praying.

The Adamski Family said...

You continue to amaze me Jenny. We could all learn alot from you!

une autre mère said...

So true. I'm so glad to hear that you have such a great circle of friends to surround you with their love and prayers. Please know you've got a few out here in Iowa too!