I'm having a hard time getting going today. And BTW, I'm not trying to be dramatic about this very common event. I just need to journal, and I type a lot faster than I write, so if you're bored by my ups and downs, I don't blame you and I don't expect people to read this with rapt fascination.
I'm struggling with feelings of dismay, anger, bitterness, and overall pessimism (I prefer to think of it as "realism" ;) ). I know the Truth behind it all, that God IS in control, things DO happen for a reason, and these are feelings that I have to sort through and process with that as my backdrop.
I feel duped. Like this pregnancy was some kind of cosmic joke. I remember in college when there were rooms full of girls with bridal magazines, planning away every detail of their wedding, down to the colors and flowers and shoes and hair clips and makeup...only they weren't even dating anyone. They were full-on planning something that didn't even exist.
Well, here I was with a fist full of positive pregnancy tests last month. Unless I'm really bad at math, my dates were spot-on. I know WAY too much about embryonic development and prayed over every cell that was forming every day (because I've taken care of the result of the problems that happen in those precious first weeks). The formation of the yolk sac and the gestational sac. Cells start to lie down the spinal column and the primitive brain. More cells start forming a four-chamber heart and teeny lungs. Like slowly putting on a jacket, they start to wrap up the sides and "zip up" in the front, containing the gut. And on and on and on. Every day, thousands of new brain cells are forming. I prayed diligently over each. Little. Cell.
You hem me in behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
And then I find out that all I was praying for, thinking about, hoping about, worrying about...didn't even exist!!!
:( :( :(
Or did it? I fully believe life begins at conception. So SOMETHING was conceived; it just was too messy to become anything that we could see.
I guess I just feel kind of messy right now. I KNOW that all things work together for good. I KNOW He hears my cries and comforts the afflicted. I KNOW He uses all things for His glory. I GET that.
But I don't get what to do with my heart...or myself, for that matter. I get that this pregnancy is over and wasn't meant to be on this side of heaven. I get all that. I'm not throwing myself on the floor or even wondering "why me?" Because, why not me?? I can hardly expect only good things to happen and then pitch a fit when bad things happen. That's hardly in keeping with reality.
I just feel like something was a part of me....and now it's not...and when it left, a few of my brain cells went along with it. And I don't know what to do. I feel useless. And gypped. I took good care of myself to ensure a healthy for a growing baby. Started to plan and prepare...cautiously, but planning and preparing nonetheless.
For an empty sac.
*Sigh*
I've learning life isn't an if/then statement. We tend to head in that direction.
If you eat this/exercise this much/yadda yadda, then you'll never get heart disease/cancer/you name it.
Yeah no, that doesn't always work that way.
If you take ___mg of hemma-hemma (insert whatever weird ingredient you want), then you'll never get hemma-hemma (insert whatever weird disease you think you'll never get from taking the first hemma-hemma).
Again, we don't have THAT much control.
So I'm not trying to say that I'm flummoxed because I took good care of myself, and then had it go awry. It just happens, and quite often it's nothing that could have been prevented. But still...it's hard not to ask, why the heck did I even bother??
Because we're supposed to be good stewards of what we have, that's why. Not for a specific result, not to reap a reward (though we may), but because that's what you're supposed to do.
Anyway, I'm frustrated, feel discouraged, and wish things were different. But they're not, and I'll never have another December 16, 2009, so I better make the best of it.
Today is one day closer to a better day, right??
3 comments:
Dearest Jenny, your blog demonstrates all of the things that we love about you..your thoughtful, loving, ability to be yourself, and to so eloquently present your feelings for us to share. Our hearts ache for your loss, but understand that there is a reason for everthing, and that it is not ours to know just what it is. The empty feeling is real, and we pray that in time it will be filled by another baby, growing and developing in its warm safe place, waiting to be placed in your arms. We love you Jenny, CA Mommy
Oh Jenny, what you are feeling is so real and so normal. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of something you wanted so badly. Sometimes we do everything "right" but the result is not what we hoped for. Hang in there girl, it will get better.
I wish so badly I could be there to give you a big hug... although I don't think that would probably help too much right now. But I know that God hears our prayers and loves you more than we can possibly imagine, so we will continue to pray for you and that soon this emptiness you feel will be gone and replaced with His peace.
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